What I'm feeling...

My mother asked me today if I felt like I struggle to exist. I could only answer this question shaking my head yes. I do. I feel each day is a struggle to exist, to do what is right, to go to sleep, and to wake up the next day. This is all a struggle. It's a struggle to read my Bible each day. It's a struggle to do what's right each day. It's a struggle to care about anyone else. I'm tired of having such negative posts on here, but right now I have nothing positive to offer. I have felt depression, and I don't feel depressed. I just have a hard time caring about anything. There is very little that brings me joy in my world. I feel there is very little out there that I can offer anything back to. This song pretty much sums up what I'm feeling...Hopefully, more postive posts are to come.
Death Is The Easy Way (w/M Ward)-My Morning Jacket-2004-05-28

My Own Perspective...

Lately, I'm getting so tired of my own perspective. What I mean is that I really don't have anyone to talk to or relate to and I'm left to think about things, life, on my own and I'm getting tired of my own thoughts. I know this may sound completely crazy, but for me it's true. Maybe I'm slowly losing my mind, I don't know. I got out of the Air Force about 7 months ago and was hoping to start a new and refreshing life away from the military. Now, I don't regret one second my decision to leave the Air Force, but my life isn't quite like I envisioned at this point. Well, I did get a job doing what I planned on doing when I separated from the military, and that is one of a case worker for troubled boys. But I'm living at home with my mom and stepdad which is really eating at me the more I stay here. I was hoping to start going to church regularly and start meeting some new, good people and I haven't done so. Well, I did go to church today at a church I will probably begin going to more often, but there doesn't seem to be many, if any, people my age. Everyday that goes by, I'm wishing I could find a good girl to settle down with, but I'm really not even in the vicinity of that happening with the life I'm currently living in. I guess life is all about being patient and making the most of today. I'm considered a very patient person, but my patience is running out.

Imagination...

I was thinking today how our minds are so imaginative when we are younger. Then when we grow older, our thoughts change and our imagination basically disappears. For example, when I was younger, say even ten years ago, I imagined myself married, with kids and living in a nice house living a dream life. In my present day, none of this has happened and I have a hard time imagining it ever will. I hope it does, but I can't get my mind to the point of the blissful, imagination that I once had. Also, when you are younger, reality is non-existent. You don't think of having to work and being responsible. Bottom line is that you don't have a whole lot of worries as a kid/teenager, but instead you feel like the pieces of the puzzle of life will fall into place with no problems.

More random thoughts...

I don't have anything in particular to write about. Or it's more like I have a lot to write about and am having a hard time confining it to one particular thing. Life is a tricky thing. As soon as you think you have things figured out, something changes. It's funny because everyone thinks that their point of view is totally correct, and that they must be right about things. That's until someone else throws an idea by you and you're like "whoa, your right. I haven't thought about it quite like that."

This makes me think about John Lennon. He thought a lot differently than many people. He put out a message of peace and love, and that everyone can be someone if you want to be, to use your mind and not fall into the trap that society puts out of being like everyone else. John spoke of love and dreamed of a society free of war and hate.

Losing your mind...

Do you ever feel on the edge of losing your mind, like you are about to flip out and say Fuck you to the world? I get that way sometimes. Do you ever get to the point where you wish you could make yourself not care about anything? I get that way too. Anyways, just a little rant I had to get out of my head. If that language is offensive then oh well.

Saddam is gone

How do you feel now that Saddam is dead? I still haven't figured out in my own mind if the death penalty is morally right or wrong, but in this case I feel inside that it was the right thing. If Saddam was alive and still in power, he would do more harm on this earth than good. So in my eyes, he's better off dead. I'll leave it at that.

Would you climb Mt. Everest?

http://www.planetware.com/picture/east-nepal-mount-everest-sagarmatha-nep-nep140.htm

I was watching a reality TV show on Mt. Everest on The Discovery Channel. It showed a group of climbers and their various struggles making it to the top of Mt. Everest and then back down. I think of myself as fairly adventurous and willing to try new things. I love to snowboard and I love mountains. I'd one day like to run a marathon. But I really don't have any interest in ever climbing Mt. Everest.

Here's why: 1) If you escape making that climb without getting frostbite you would be one of the few, meaning that you'll be losing fingers, toes, arms, and/or legs. 2)I don't want to get pulmonary or cerebral edema, which means excess fluid gets in your lungs or brain. Climbing up Mt. Everest too fast without being acclimated to the high elevation can result in a bad case of pulmonary or cerebral edema. 3)Simply it's way too cold. Negative 20, 30, or 40 degrees below for a couple of weeks sounds way too uncomfortable to me.

But making it to the top and seeing a view that few people have ever seen, a view that is definitely one of a kind almost 30,000 ft high in the sky makes me think that one day maybe I would like to climb this mammoth of a mountain.